Growing up, I remember my Dad always check our rooms before he goes to bed. “He wants to make sure his kids are on the bed” that’s what he’ll always say if he’s asked. I can still remember him walking into my room, checking on me especially on times I am fake sleeping so he won’t catch me on my phone and if he does, he’ll roast me on how bad was my acting was. There are some nights we’ll have little conversations, he’ll ask me about my day, my friends, and most importantly if I did my homework’s already. Sometimes, he’ll tell us stories. The one I love the most is his experiences in life because I can learn more about him. And in every story, his wicked sense of humor never fails to make us all laugh. Every night is different, it usually depends on his day, his mood, and his health. But every night, before he goes to bed he won’t forget to kiss us and say “goodnight and I love you”.
As the years passed by, my dad’s physical condition changes. As he grows old he felt more pains here and there. His mood changes drastically as well and I remember those nights when my siblings and I will go to their room just to say “goodnight and I love you” to him and mom before we go to our beds. I can still remember how we will fill his face with kisses, and he’ll giggles.
Even after I became an adult, I will still try to check on him and exchange “goodnight and I love you” with my dad. It might not be every night anymore due to the changes in my schedules but I always make sure I do it as whenever I can.
It has been five months now since he passed away, I still am thinking about those nights, our conversations, our laughs, and his happy face. The memories of him in my heart became clearer to me now. It had made me realize a lot of things and one of it is the importance of saying a simple “goodnight and I love you” to your loved ones every night. For tomorrow is never promise to everyone. And it is important to tell them how much you love them every day.
It made me realize, how my dad felt every time we say goodnight to each other as his health changes. He was battling cancer for two years. And I couldn’t imagine the sadness and worries he’d go through and felt. The anxiety that he might not able to see us, his family the next day. It was important for him to remind us how much he loves us as much as he can. But what breaks my heart as I wasn’t able to tell him how much I love him the night before he died. I was out with a friend. My dad was all fine, he was just watching a movie before I left. I have told him about me going out and that I’ll see him in an hour or two. I never expected anything to happen and then when I got home, everything changed. He had a heart attack. I tried to bring him to the hospital, I called the ambulance. And up to this day, every time I try to recall that night. I have panic attacks, everything was in slow motion. I can still hear the screaming and crying. I was very traumatized by what had happened until the second I felt his pulse stop.
We never really realize how much we take those moments we have for granted until it was gone. And we” ll be left regretting.
All of a sudden, I lost my dad. My father, my protector, the man who I look up the most, and the man that has loved me since day one. I cannot change anything that had already happened but I can learn from it. The truth is, I am still in pain for losing him. But life must go on. To be honest, I have some regrets, I sometimes blame myself, and constantly think of the “what if(s)”. I should have spent more time with him and make every second count. I should have taken all my chances when he was still with me to make him feel loved and appreciated. I know, my dad felt love but there is still a part of me saying “I should have done more” and that “I should have done better”.
There are still nights that I will wake up in the middle of the night crying because I suddenly missed my Dad. My chest was too heavy and I felt very empty inside. There is no day, I don’t think about him. And because of that, I want to make sure now that I can always remind the people I love how much I appreciate them. It doesn’t have to be special every time, the thoughts are what matters. A simple goodnight and I love you can mean so much because we never know what tomorrow holds.
“Goodnight Dad, I love you”