March 31st, Tuesday at exactly 8:26 in the morning I have woken up from a very unexpected message from a friend. There on the screen, I saw a text message, “Our friend attempted suicide, he’s in the ICU right now”.
Immediately, I got up on my bed. I felt my hands start to trembles and my throat’s drying up. I tried to start typing a response but I couldn’t, I don’t have enough energy to do it. I was in total shock, I stared at my phone for a couple of minutes. Listening to my loud and fast heartbeat until I saw a few teardrops start falling on my phone screen. Next thing I knew, it became like a running faucet and after a few minutes of crying it all out, I took a deep breath, take a moment, gather my thoughts, and then dial my best friend’s phone number.
The year 2020 just barely started but I have already gone through a lot of pain, losses, and heartaches. I feel I might lose myself completely. I have reached my point that I thought I won’t make it. I wanted to give up on life. I lost my father two months ago, lost my Uncle a few weeks ago, there is a pandemic that making us panic and terrified, and now I almost lost another person so dear to me, thank God he is now recovering. To be honest, lately, I had cried to my boyfriend more than I can ever remember, I’ve been very difficult to deal with, and I had also thought of hurting myself not just once but a couple of times. I’m very lucky to have someone in my life that really stay and be there for me no matter how complicated my situation is. Going through all of these, there were times I felt embarrassed by my feelings, by how weak, fragile, and exposed I feel. No matter how many times someone tells me that everything will be okay, I cannot for one second feel an ounce of strength. I always panic and do not know what to do next but lately, I tried to teach myself how to take a few moments and breathe.
Despite everything that is going on around us – a pandemic that is killing a lot of people, our lives changing in just a blink of an eye, isolation, losses, and more worst-case scenarios. It is normal for all of us to panic, be anxious, and be terrified. But letting us be consumed with our negative thoughts and fear won’t help at all. In able to get through this, we need to make sure we are capable to take care of our mental health. Take a moment and give yourself time to see the bigger picture. Sure, it would be great if everything went perfectly all the time, but that’s not reality. This is the reality, we suffer, we experience pain, and try to get our self together. So please, take a deep breath, give yourself a break, and realize that you are awesome just as you are, there are people who always believe in you, and whatever you’re feeling right now it’s okay and you are gonna make it through.