This song randomly shows up on my YouTube suggestion videos yesterday morning while I was trying to listen for songs that can make me feel into my feelings. Right after I heard this whole music video, my tears became a running faucet. Literally, every word in this song speaks my heart’s sentiment.
Seventeen years ago, my first ever memory that I can remember with my Dad, he came home smiling with a shoebox on his hands. I remember him calling my name excitedly and I was running towards him. The moment he seated on the couch, he opens the shoe box and there were this pink little shoes with its tiny wheels too! My father was so excited because he bought his daughter roller shoes. I then remember how happy he was putting the shoes on my little feet, he was giggling. I remember we spent all afternoon, him tying a towel on my belly, guiding me while I was trying my little shoes with wheels. I also remember my Mom’s reaction when she got home. She freaked out and start getting mad at my Dad. But I can see him still smiling and said “No, she won’t get hurt. She might fall but I’ll help her get up.” Right at that moment, I knew Daddy is my superhero.
These past few years, I have been in the worst situations of my life. I lost so many things and people that I loved. If you have read my previous blogs, you know what I am talking about. Life sure as hell doesn’t care when it dishes it out to you for I have been through so many losses and pain already. During those times, I almost felt I might lose myself completely but I didn’t because I have someone who’d never let me lost myself. I knew I have someone that will always pick me up whenever I stumble and tend my wounds with love. I have the man that has never wear a cape but has been my hero since day one.
Losing my Grandfather last year was so painful but losing my Dad three weeks ago, it was very heartbreaking. I never knew I could ever experience this so much pain in my life. Unbearable,.. I was in terrible, unbearable pain. I am lost in words to describe my heartbreak. To be honest, I am having a hard time to put my heartbreak into words, the grief process has been very difficult for me. I am still not able to bear the fact my father is gone. I couldn’t see my life, darker than the sky at night, empty- without my father. I am left with fresh wounds, inflamed and still bleeding. I can feel my heart might never able to make it. I might never make it.
I have found love in his arms, a love clearer than the deep blue ocean or deep blue sky, warmer than the sun, a love bigger than the world could be. A love that has become my home since my first breath. He was always right there for me, lifting me, saving me, taking care of me, and guiding me. He was my number fan, the only person who never doubted my ability to become a better version of me. He was my Romeo to the Juliet of our lives – my mom. He never failed to show us what true love is and what love we deserve. He was my knight and shining armor, he will do everything to protect me and our family. He battled cancer for years but lost in a heart attack. He fought so hard, until his last breath. He was the bravest man I ever knew.
I was his sunflower. As a man of few words, he describes me as his “sunflower” not only because of my love of sunflowers but according to him, it has a valuable meaning to him. A sunflower, bright and cheery, as warm and inviting and bringing positiveness into his life. He once told me, that sunflowers always follow the sun, it always sees the light through the darkness. And it took me a while to understand his metaphor but haven’t got the chance to tell him, He was the sun. He saw me as his sunflower, and I see him as the sun. I look up to him through the darkest times of my life and like what sunflowers do at night, always anticipating the sun’s return.
He was not perfect as a human being but was a perfect father for me.
The thought of not seeing him anymore as much as I want to is heart-rending, but for now, I want to feel the pain. No matter how painful and miserable it causes me, pain always demands to be felt. As most of those people who have known me, they knew that expressing myself when I’m feeling hurt or weak is not my thing before. But through my experience, I have come to realize and accept that pain cannot be avoided, it shouldn’t be pushed aside. There is a reason the pain is here, and to heal wounds that pain us, we need to address the wounds and feel the pain. So we must feel it, embrace it, deal with it and most importantly, offer this suffering to God.
For now, I will cry it out, let myself be broken, try and sleep it off. But, time will be passed by and I will patch myself up again. In able to see light through this darkest time of my life and like a sunflower do- always looking up to the sun and bringing positiveness. In days gone by, I’ll see you again, I’ll see the sun.