“I need a break”
For these past years, I lost so many things and people that I love. And the truth is, I feel I might lose myself completely. In 2015 my life did not get easier, I moved to another country to pursue my goals in life. I had to leave my family and friends and be in a place where almost everything was new to me. It was very overwhelming for a seventeen-year-old me even though I live with my Auntie(s) that I only knew the day they pick me at the airport. The year 2016 was been so depressing, I was homesick but had no choice. I can’t go back home due to my financial problem. I was only working as a part-time at the fast-food chain to support my studies. Also I cannot leave school behind. This, I have not mentioned before, but it was also the year my dad was diagnosed from metastatic prostate cancer. Since then, my anxiety was triggered. Year 2017, I struggled too much with my anxiety while I was toughing it out on my own. In 2018, I experienced my first heartbreak which triggers depression. With my father’s help, I was able to seek medical help.
So for me, 2019 was going to be the year, I told myself. But, that’s where I went wrong, as a new year does not mean a fresh slate, as much as we hope, want, or need it to be. Life sure as hell doesn’t care what year it is when it dishes it out to you. But clearly life needs to give me a break for I have been through in so much losses and pain. April 2019 I lost my grandfather while my father was been admitted for the 4th time this year in the hospital. In result, I have to sacrifice the job I just got after finishing my internship in able to take care of my father and help him in his daily activities. Eventually, I become less social and have isolated myself from everyone around me – I have been staying at home for these past few months.
To be honest, I have decided not to write about the loss of my grandfather after he passed away because it was so fresh, I could not put my heartbreak into words but today is his birthday and I have to admit that it is the reason for this being written. To go off on a tangent, my grandfather was the pillar of my family, he was one of those person who I thanked for becoming who I am today, he supported my every move, he was the best grandfather one could ask for. After his loss, my Panic Disorder came back.
As most of those people who have known me, they knew that expressing myself when I’m feeling hurt or weak is not my thing. But for now, I want to talk about my realization that sometimes it’s okay to not be okay. When I’m in pain I tend to push it aside, I am embarrassed by my feelings, by how weak, fragile, and exposed I feel. No matter how many times someone tells me that everything will be okay, I cannot for one second feel an ounce of strength. I do not know how much pain and losses I can handle. These is just one of the the other questions I’ve asked myself after a very intense (to say the least) few years of my life. Yet something I realized today, I should not be ashamed of how I feel, I am not weird and weak because I miss someone from the past. It is normal to feel pain because of those unfortunate events that happen in my life. And as for ‘how much loss can I take?’ I am saying, a lot because here I am, still existing.
It is normal in life to experience loss, whether it is death, a breakup, friendships ending, or a broken family; everyone experiences these things. As terrible as this feeling is, I know it will become bearable again, but for now, I’ll cry, question everything, try and sleep it off. Pain cannot be avoided, it shouldn’t be pushed aside,but rather demands to be felt. For now, I’m broken. But, I will patch myself up again, and I will try and allow myself to feel.
Happy Birthday Grandpops! Please keep watching over us. We miss you and love you.