The Pretense

“Why do we have to pretend? Why do we have to hide what we really feel? Why do we have to pretend that we don’t want what we really been craving for?”.

Heavens knows, I craved for you, still craving for you, so bad, a craving that never been satisfied. Deep in my thoughts I knew I can have better but fuck having better, I just want you. This is insanity and this is all because of you. Yes, it was you, damn I could not get over you, you are my insanity. Dragging me to the path of uncertainty, it hurts but hurts so good. What have you done to me?. Masked by all the pretense that all is well. This pretense is cruel, cruel but alluring, like an acquired taste. I have to pretend in able to look fine, lively on the outside but crushing within. Indeed, this is appealing, pleasurably appealing, it tingles up my spine. But I don’t want the feeling of being ignored, unwanted, and I can’t any longer handle your rejection that is why I have to stop myself from missing you, from wanting you with me. Yet at the same time, I love the way I feel it, I love the way it hurts. Goddammit! This is driving me mad. Oh, this pretense. So alluring, so immature, so annoying. I am too old for this and it has to end but this is what I need, for now, to keep me going. However, I need to wake up, wake myself and stop from pretending. One day it will happen, I will no longer want you, no longer miss you, and no longer need you. Pretending will be over. It will not be easy but will happen.

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